Diamonds Are Forever

Welcome to the 1970s Mister Bond.

It seems to me at least that the 60s Bond films are timeless classics, while the 70s films often feel dated. Then again the 70s was quite an odd decade. To say the least.

I guess a lot of it has to do with fashion or lack of it. Then there are the cars. For the most part they were bloated versions of the cars we loved in the 60s.

Then again I grew up in the 70s so I actually remember what was going on. Mostly. A lot of stuff I cannot forget no matter how hard I try. So, in a way the 70s don't seem foreign to me.

Fezzes are cool.

At least when they change the actor who plays Blofeld they try to explain it. Okay, plastic surgery isn't the best explanation in the world but it is an explanation none the less. Give them credit for trying. Or don't. Do what you want to do. Don't listen to me.

Ah, the old mousetrap in the holster gag. You gotta love a classic. I think it was invented by Doc Holliday. I could be wrong.

You just knew that the film was going to start with Bond getting his get back.

In a way they were trying to recreate the magic of Goldfinger--Guy Hamilton is the director and Shirley Bassey is performing the theme song. It's very hard for lightning to strike twice. Hell, if it happens once you should consider yourself lucky.

Diamond smuggling montage!

Oh look, it's the Mythbusters!

Miss Moneypenny hitting on a widower. Has she no shame?

Why is 007 kissing a woman with man hands? Oh wait. Never mind.

Connery's German accent is no better than his Russian.

It seems that Felix Leiter must have pissed off someone pretty important to get stuck in Customs. Once more and he'll end up at the TSA.

How many times are Wint and Kidd going to steal those same diamonds?

Operation: Passover? I wonder what Operation: Simchat Torah is going to be. Does it involve lox? Wednesday? I can't Wednesday. It's Operation: Simchat Torah.

An elephant playing slots? I'm not going to touch that one.

Brown four-door LTD; worst Bond car ever?

As for Tiffany Case's 1971 Mach 1, Mustangs stopped being cool in 1969. Some say that Bond films stopped being cool then as well. Not me of course.

Stuff I learned from Bond films: You can't be too careful with radiation.

So that's where they filmed the moon landing!

The Moon Buggy may be a bit goofy but it's still better than a brown four-door LTD.

Here come the ATVs. All of a sudden this film has turned into a Big Country video.

Use of unnecessary force in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers HAS been approved.

The night of too many Blofelds.

"The right idea but the wrong pussy." Happens every time I go to Vegas.

They'll have fun, fun, fun, until daddy takes their brown 1971 T-Bird away.

Oh, that's how you lay pipe in Vegas.

You think your tie is short enough, Mister Bond? It's Rio Ferdinand short. It's Clyde Langer short.

Why does 007 sound like Tommy Lee Jones?

Willard Whyte: the sausage king of Las Vegas.

I didn't know that Dame Edith Everage had a cat.

Safety Tip #71: Sweep your helipad daily. You never know who's going to show up.

Bubble Boy!

"If in doubt, ask." If you have to ask.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

And now we come to the most polarizing of the Bond films. Some of you may say that there is nothing polarizing about it. It's the one with George Lazenby and therefore it isn't good. Case closed.

Then again there are a lot of you who say that OHMSS is their favorite. And I do mean a lot. Ask around. I'll wait.

As far as I am concerned, not that anyone cares, it is one of my favorites, and may be the best. I really like Casino Royale, the one with Daniel Craig obviously, so I would say that OHMSS  is the best of the Bond films from the Sixties. So there.

It starts off with Q in M's office discussing radioactive lint. It really is a great way to start. It builds up anticipation. You know that Bond is up to something but you have no idea what it is.

M wears bow ties now. Bow ties are cool.

I really like Tracy's Mercury Cougar. At least it wasn't another Mustang. I'm sure it had more to do with the Ford Motor Company than an aesthetic choice.

There was a period in my life where I preferred the DBS in this film over the DB5. Yes, I know that is a bit sacrilegious but this is that sort of movie. I came back around later.

A woman going into the ocean. You don't see that in a lot of Bond films.

When the titles come on I usually just ignore the clips and look at the naked ladies. I'm just funny that way.

Dom Perignon '57; it must only be good in odd numbered years.

You gotta love the ruffled tuxedo shirt. It reminds me of Senior picture day in high school. Yes, I protested.

You don't see cigarette boxes that much anymore. Th last one I remember belonged to Johnny Carson. You don't see classy cigarette cases either.

We finally get to see 007's office. I never thought of him as the sentimental type.

Diana Rigg and a riding crop. I'll stop there.

Montage!

If you noticed in You Only Live Twice Bond had a device that cracked a safe in less than a minute. The one he has here seems to take forever. then again it was attached to a copier. Maybe that was part of the problem.

If you look carefully at the back of the newspaper that Campbell is reading the headline says, "Why Brown had to go." Even in 1969 they were trying to get rid of Gordon.

"That is avalanche damage." Sounds like the name of an evil henchman.

Lazenby looks almost as good as I do in a kilt.

Is that the Alpine Room or is it Castle Anthrax? Too bad there wasn't any spanking. Kidding.

It seems that Sir Hilary Bray was the original "Goldenballs."

Count de Bleuchamp--who loves ya baby?

Oh! That's how you use a slide rule. No wonder I didn't get into MIT.

"It's true!" What? The bit about the lipstick?

Wait just a minute. Is that the voice of Blofeld or is it Ian McKenna?

Pocket Mittens; now that's a million dollar idea.

And now we come to the first of many Bond skiing scenes. Like the underwater scenes in Thunderball the first is usually the best. Your results may vary.

Did 007 steal those goggles from Carol Channing?

What this film needs is more cowbell.

And more stock car racing. Seriously, that is one of the most underrated cars chases in film history. I like it better than Bullitt. Then again, I am the only person who saw Bullitt and said, "I prefer the Dodge Charger."

Bond is saving himself for the wedding night? Say it isn't so, 007! But, like a lot of "Promise Keepers" it didn't last very long.

In case of avalanche--lean into it.

And then Bond went rogue.

Of course Blofeld had been watching old episodes of Superman--when you run out of ammo toss the gun at him.

Seriously, that has to be the world's longest bobsled run.

I really felt bad for Miss Moneypenny. You know she loves Bond very much. And I'm sure that he loves her too.

Three girls and three boys as a wedding present? Tracy is talking about children, right?

Tracy's death is one of the saddest moments, not only in Bond films but in any film. Say what you will about Lazenby but he played it perfectly.

I do wonder about the filmmakers to have the film end with the "James Bond Theme." In a way it undercuts the final scene. Maybe they should have stayed with the score.

Then on the other hand I totally get it. You immediately know that Bond will get his revenge. It's what he does.

You Only Live Twice

In some ways this is the forgotten Bond film. Don't believe me? Go around the office and ask anyone to name five or even ten Bond films and see how many time it comes up. Of course there is the office geek, every office has one, who will start reeling them off in chronological order.

I really love the theme song. You may have heard it recently in the season finale of Mad Men. If not: SPOILER!!! Oh, and it is the one that Robbie Williams sampled in "Millennium." But you already knew that.
It's not exactly one of the best nor is it one of the worst. It kind of just is. It's like when you cook a pot of stew and it tastes like something is missing and for the life of you you can't figure out what it is.

The only thing people remember about the film is the volcano lair and even then most of them cannot remember which film it's from. Ask and ye shall find out. See just how many people answer with Dr. No.

It's weird now to think that the script was written by Roald Dahl. Yes, the guy who wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And it was directed by Lewis Gilbert whose previous film was Alfie. No, I am not going to do any what's it all about jokes.

One of our spacecraft is missing. I wonder where it could've gone. It was right here a minute ago.

James Bond--promoting stereotypes around the world since the 1950s.

And now you know why I don't like Murphy beds.

Are you my mummy? It had to be said.

Faking your own death is all the rage these days. Every TV show seems to be doing it.

I thought only crazy people in New York City talked into their purse. Okay, that was more than a bit redundant.

I really liked the Toyota 2000 GT. I don't think that they were ever imported to the US. If they were I never saw one. The one in the film was specially made because Toyota didn't make a convertible version. They should have because it was really nice. It's one of my favorite cars that wasn't supplied by Q Branch.

Okay, it's fairly obvious that I'm a Mopar guy but having said that, of all the cool cars that Chrysler made in 1967 why did they choose the four door version of the Coronet? I guess that they needed a four door car. At least it wasn't yet another Ford.

Pay attention to the scene where Bond is cracking the safe. It will come up later, and by later I mean another film. Some of you already know what I am on about.

"Never get into a car with a strange girl." Really? How do you think that I have gotten anywhere in this world. A bicycle will only get you so far.

Fifty containers of Lox and no bagels? Who the hell is in charge of purchasing around here. What good is a shmeer if you have nothing to shmeer it on?

Okay, it's time for little things that bug me for no good reason. Bond is watching the helicopter on the monitor in the car; so where exactly is the camera? Answer on a postcard to the usual address c/o Universal Exports.

It seems that there is always a crazy redhead that wants to kill you. The stories I cannot tell.

Ninja school is a lot like high school but with a lot fewer weapons.

It must be an evil lair--it has a monorail.

For a split second there I thought that 007 was going into space but that would be silly. Right?

Yet again Bond ends a mission on a boat with a girl.

James Bond will be back On Her Majesty's Secret Service. 

Thunderball

Remember the good old days? We were promised jet packs. Oh, and always wear your safety helmet.

The DB5 looks a little worse for wear.

Welsh superstar, Tom Jones!

This is Maurice Binder's first title sequence since Dr. No. It's the best one so far.

It's also the last Bond film directed by Terence Young. Whether or not it is his best is up to you to decide.

Leiter number three; Rik Van Nutter, who appeared in such films as The Revenge of Ivanhoe and Romanoff and Juliet. They're in my queue.

I've been to business meeting like SPECTRE's but at least we had donuts. Then there is the mission briefing. Do you think that M could have found a bigger space to hold it in? It looked positively cramped in there.

If Bond keeps speaking to Moneypenny that way he's going to get a call from HR. Then he's going to have to watch the sexual harassment film. Again.

I think he was using the traction table wrong. It looks like something out of David Cronenberg's 50 Shades of Grey.

"Come on, get into his pajamas." I've always wanted a woman to say that to me.

I'm surprised that they didn't market a line of 007 Love Gloves. They had every other market covered in the Sixties.

Were you expecting Claude Rains beneath those bandages?

A plane making a water landing--are we supposed to believe that? In case of water landing the seat belt will stick--it's a film law.

"Handle Like Eggs" Really?! Is that how you are supposed to handle a bomb? I should have that on a t-shirt.

Disco Volante was a lesser known hit for the Bee Gees.

And then along comes Fione Volpe on her BatCycle to save the day. You knew it was only a matter of time before something like that cropped up.

James Bond has more "meet cute" stories than all the Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts movies combined.

Martine Beswick is back! Yay! At least she's not in a gypsy girl-fight this time. Too bad Paula had to die.

Domino has an ankle bracelet. At least it's not a toe ring.

Dom Perignon '55? Must have been out of the '53.

Good ol' Q. There he is looking like every one's dad on holiday. At least he brought along a Breitling Geiger counter to count your Geigers. Them little buggers are hard to keep track of.

Sean Connery walking out of the water didn't have quite the same effect on me as Ursula Andress. Take that to mean what you will.

Speaking of Ms Andress, Claudine Auger is also one one my favorite Bond Women. There, I said it.

Mandals? Are we supposed to take you seriously Mr Bond?

Fiona's line about Bond's ability to make women repent shows an incredible amount of self awareness on the part of screenwriters Richard Maibaum and John Hopkins. Too bad other screenwriters didn't pick up on that.

Hey, look! It's Mister Peanut!

I shot the shark, but I didn't shoot the manta ray.

The only real complaint about is how they sped up the film at the end. It looks really cheesy. It's almost surreal. Still, at the end of the day it is a great movie.

What's a Thunderball anyway?